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[4] Together (Coming of Age, 2014)
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Idol

Yamada Ryosuke & Chinen Yuri

Relationship

Yamada x Chinen

Ship Name

Yamachii
Yamachine

Type

Collection

Genre

OMG YES!!!!!!!!!!, THIS IS IT, Confession, love confession, fighting the way they feel, angsty at first, finally telling the truth, so precious, Fluffy, romance, sweet love, first love, discovery, slice of life

Rating

PG

Warnings

MxM Relationship

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Synopsis

Evening of the boys Coming of Age Ceremony, aka “he stayed the night and never left” (January 13, 2014)

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Featured image: Most of the images in the graphic are all from magazine scans from January 2014 =) The visual was beautiful to me! <3

Music Inspiration: Realize by Colbie Caillat


Take time to realize
That your warmth is
Crashing down on me

It was like the entire world stopped spinning–and to Yuri, it felt as if he were still falling against gravity, holding his breath, waiting for the impact, the sudden slam into the Earth.

Ryosuke had stepped toward Yuri where he was standing.

Yuri had been looking out the window in the kitchen while drinking a glass of water, trying to clear his mind, to make all the myriad of conversations in his head stop, even if for only a moment,

Today.

Our coming of age.

His fingers ached to touch the tiny strip of paper in his pocket that he’d ripped off of the prayer before he’d tied it in place at the Temple. He wanted to pray again, to offer anything, everything he was for the chance, just once, one single moment of certainty–of absolution, he wanted to grab the paper and grab Ryosuke’s hands and make him pray for it, too. Somehow, to make them be in the same moment, in the same head space with each other and he knew, in his heart, he was positive they’d make sense of it.

It would all fit right.

We were made for each other.

I can’t be wrong about this.

He wanted to tell Ryosuke about waking up this morning, going to the temple by himself, having spent weeks painstakingly creating the perfect prayer, on the perfect paper, with the perfect words and writing and thoughts and meanings and left nothing to chance, nothing. He’d spent three hours, before dawn, praying, helpless, there in the silence of the temple with only his tears to keep him company. 

Seeking words, seeking methods–anything that would help him see to this very day.

If he only knew.

If he only saw me.

I’m here.

He wanted to beg Ryosuke to see the truth–because he’d waited, and he’d convinced himself to wait all of this time, all of these years, by having a date, a clear, fixed point in time when he’d have an answer, one way or another–but now that he was here, now that they were living out the partial script he’d long been writing for them–he was positively terrified.

Then he’d felt it.

He’d felt Ryosuke, felt his eyes on him, felt him hovering there behind him, somehow radiating uncertainty, yet, there was a subtle power flowing through him that Yuri didn’t recognize, didn’t fully understand, and when he turned, there was a fire in his eyes that he’d never seen before, not in all of the experiences they’d shared together, not even once had he ever recognized something close to this fierce determination that was burning him from within.

Take time to realize
That I am on your side
Didn’t I, didn’t I tell you?

Ryosuke shifted forward, and it was as if Yuri’s body had a mind of its own, gravitating toward Ryosuke on instinct, turning to face him, like it was moving to a melody that was yet unheard by his own ears but being composed as the steps played them out–and his eyes, they were frozen, locked with Ryosuke’s as he closed the distance between them, his voice a whisper, his name falling from his lips like the soft wind on mountaintops, “Yuri.”

But I can’t spell it out for you
No, it’s never gonna be that simple
No, I can’t spell it out for you

Yuri couldn’t blink, couldn’t react, when Ryosuke’s hand reached up, gently taking the glass from his hand, sparks lingering as if they’d ignited across his skin when their fingers brushed against each other, Ryosuke’s eyes never breaking their gaze as he reached to set it down on the counter beside them, the soft sliding of the glass away from the edge the only noise apart from the pounding in Yuri’s head of his own heartbeat.

If you just realize what I just realized
Then we’d be perfect for each other and we’d never find another

Yuri’s breath caught in his throat, his eyes breaking away from Ryosuke’s, painfully, shifting over to look at his hand there on the counter where he’d reached out to steady himself from the overwhelming flood of emotions rushing through him, his legs feeling wobbly, acknowledging that it was indeed his hand, but blinking because it seemed impossible.

Is this real?

Just realize what I just realized
We’d never have to wonder if we missed out on each other, now  

He whimpered, when the fingers resting on his hand squeezed his fingers gently, the sensation like a million whispers across his skin, his eyes snapping up to look at Ryosuke who hadn’t moved even a fraction of an inch, the resolution within him seeming to grow in intensity even as he watched, his form riveted to the same spot, in fact, it was hard to tell if Ryosuke was even breathing at this point.

Take time to realize
Oh, oh, I’m on your side
Didn’t I, didn’t I tell you?  

“Ryosuke?” his name faded off, a million wonders, a billion whys, a trillion questions fighting for the breath to be spoken into existence, somehow begging him to acknowledge that the only person who could ever answer them, ever calm all of the always present emptiness, the only person who could ever give him what he needed was a single breath away–standing right in front of him.

Take time to realize
This all could pass you by
Didn’t I tell you?

He watched as the onslaught of conflicting emotions rushed across Ryosuke’s face, and then his eyes snapped closed, clenched tightly shut, shaking his head, and to Yuri it looked like he was fighting a battle with his own inner demons–trying to subdue them, talk them down, slay them.

Please.

He couldn’t be sure who was winning–and part of him wanted to grab Ryosuke, shake him, make him see the truth–force him to see the truth–but that’s not how he wanted it, because in all of his dreams, in all of the many years of pining for him–it had to be his heart that molded to his shape, not coerced, never made to do anything other than merely fall.

Please fall.

Please, God, let him fall.

Let me have this.

I waited.

Please.

But I can’t spell it out for you
No, it’s never gonna be that simple
No, I can’t spell it out for you

He gasped, a shudder running through his frame, when Ryosuke’s eyes snapped open, and within seconds he felt his body being pushed backward, his back hitting the kitchen wall, and Ryosuke was pressing forward into him, his face so close to his he could feel his breath rushing across his lips, and Yuri’s head hit the wall, his eyes blinking rapidly, his heart thrumming wildly in his chest as he tried to make sense of what was happening–terrified this wasn’t what he wanted it to be–what he needed so desperately for it to be.

If you just realize what I just realized
Then we’d be perfect for each other and we’ll never find another

Yuri struggled to breathe, tried to make sense of the world as it was suddenly spinning around him, and he tried to articulate it, tried to form words, needed to be sure, the question strange in his mouth, “Y-you…”

Just realize what I just realized
We’d never have to wonder if we missed out on each other, but  

“God!” Ryosuke’s voice was so loud, so abrupt, making Yuri flinch as his hand flew past him to slam into the wall beside his head with a crash, a unique incidence of loss of self-control, Ryosuke’s voice tainted with the pain of a man on fire, the words thick and heavy in the air between them, “Can you not see? See the truth? Yuri, please?”

It’s not the same
No, it’s never the same
If you don’t feel it, too  

His head shifted down, resting on Yuri’s shoulder, his breath shuddering against his neck, and Yuri held completely still for a moment, trying to gather himself, his thoughts, and then suddenly he realized that was what was wrong with everything in his life now.

Thinking too much.

Worrying too much.

Hyper analyzing things.

Hyper analyzing EVERYTHING.

I’m the thing standing in the way now.

The prayer said “let me have this” and now…

I can have it.

If I let myself.

If I just will.

If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way
It could be the same for you  

Be brave

Do it for him.

He does everything for you.

You can do this for him.

His hands lifted, shaking violently as he willed them to obey him, feeling like a man who was taking the first step on the moon. Moving forward into an unknown place, not just unknown or uncharted, but truly never experienced, never dreamed of, never even touched upon, and certainly, never entertained on any real level of understanding.

He bit his lip as he cursed his hands, for their lack of discipline, for the way they wanted to move away instead of forward, watching as if someone else was making them move in relief, as they came to rest on Ryosuke’s back, sighing softly as his fingers finally splayed outward as he held him, as he drew him closer still, pulling him into a hug, his eyes closing in satisfaction as he felt the shuddering breath and he heard the sound, the breaking, felt the hot tears fall on his neck as Ryosuke leaned into him, his body trembling as the emotions flooded through his being.

If you just realize what I just realized
Then we’d be perfect for each other and we’ll never find another
Just realize what I just realized  

“I love you,” Yuri whispered, not understanding where the words came from, shocking himself at the bluntness of the statement, lacking buildup or eloquence in the delivery–rather, he didn’t even fully know how he’d even formed them to speak, but he didn’t have any regrets. He found his heart light at the sound of them in the air between the two of them–thankful that the words had clawed their way out of his throat, suddenly feeling more sure of this moment than anything else in the universe, he reiterated, the words coming so easily now, “I do. I love you, Ryosuke.”

We’d never have to wonder
Just realize what I just realized
If you just realize what I just realized  

“P-please, Y-Yuri…Do-don’t s-say it if–if it’s not t-true,” Ryosuke’s voice was soft, broken, sobbing, as he tried to breathe, tried to hold himself together, somehow convinced that the next word would be “but” or “except” or “although”, and he kept his face buried there against Yuri’s neck, refusing to look at him, hiding from him, from what he might find there, terrified he would never be able to take another breath if it was a lie or he was going to add to the statement something that would break everything beyond repair.

Missed out on each other now

“I love you.”

Ryosuke’s hand shifted from where it was still touching the wall, moving slowly down until he touched Yuri’s shoulder, grabbing onto his shirt, fingers clenched, his knuckles white.

Yuri held him, his fingertips moving up to run through the edge of his hair, cradling his head against him, his voice tender with affection, “I love you with all my heart and soul.”

Missed out on each other now

I love you, Ryosuke.

This time, Yuri didn’t move, didn’t flinch, didn’t even blink when Ryosuke jerked back from him, his eyes wide, his expression pained, his eyes searching for an answer, for a confirmation that the words were real, not just some illusion that his imagination had finally produced from his ongoing need for this exact reality.

Realize, realize, realize, realize    

Yuri moved his hands, slowly, cautiously–as if he were afraid to startle Ryosuke out of this moment, not wanting him to shy away, but desperately needing him to see the truth, to see him–he brought them up between the two of them, his fingers touching Ryosuke’s cheeks tenderly, marveling at how soft the skin was and then his eyes snapped to his, “I love you.”

The words were absolute.

There was no waver, there was no lie in them, and Ryosuke had no choice but to see the truth, as Yuri had done nothing but bare his very soul to him in that moment, every weakness, every shortcoming, every single moment of his life that had led to this single page in time, it was reflected there in his eyes, wanting Ryosuke to verify the truth, to believe him, to know, to truly and finally see.

“I have loved you for so long,” Ryosuke’s voice was shaking, a tear sliding slowly down his cheek, one of his hands moving, gripping Yuri’s wrist, squeezing it, taking a shuddering breath.

Yuri raised his other hand, grazing slowly across his cheek, smoothing away the tear as his lips curved into an understanding smile, blinking away his own tears, his fingers running across his jaw and behind his ear, his fingertips sliding through Ryosuke’s hair as he cupped his head, drawing him forward, and he saw it–in fact, he understood it, the fear, the concern, the uncertainty that tainted Ryosuke’s face.

This would change everything.

There would be no undoing it once it was done.

They wouldn’t be able to pretend.

They wouldn’t be able to go back to how things were.

This…this would make everything different.

It would change everything.

For good or bad. 

Forever.

Still, in that moment, Yuri couldn’t bring himself to remotely care, not at all.

I want this.

He was going to have it, even if there was hell to pay for it.

I’ll pay it.

All of the worries, all of the fears, all of the unknowns, all messy and ugly as they ran chaotic through his mind–he saw the same thoughts in Ryosuke’s eyes, yet, he knew, maybe even understood, he had to know, had to be sure enough, had to be certain enough for both of them–this can work–this could be it, they could do this, and they could find happiness, they could have this, it could be theirs.

Me and you.

“It’s okay,” Yuri whispered, surprised when he felt a tear falling down his cheek, his eyes bright as he tried to make Ryosuke understand, “It’s…it is, it really is okay…”

He saw the hesitation, the way Ryosuke’s head shook ever so slightly, and he saw it before it happened, knew that Ryosuke was going to run, he saw it when he decided it–but he wouldn’t let him go, instead, he pulled harder, insistently on Ryosuke, his heart clenched, feeling like it was breaking under the understanding of all of the obstacles that were standing in between the few inches dividing them.

“Stop,” Yuri whispered, begging, “Please, stop.”

He felt Ryosuke frozen there under his gaze, “You don’t have to do everything…you don’t have to do it all by yourself.”

Yuri tried to think of the words, tried to figure out how to make him understand–and somehow, he wanted to just scream it out loud–

I SEE YOU.

I KNOW YOU.

I KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.

I SEE HOW YOU HOLD EVERYTHING TOGETHER.

I SEE HOW YOU STAND SOLID FOR THE REST OF US.

I SEE WHAT YOU DO.

I SEE THE SACRIFICES.

I SEE WHAT YOU FEEL.

I SEE YOU.

I see you,” Yuri said the words with such conviction, such power that Ryosuke trembled under the weight of them, “I know…I know…please, hear me.”

He wanted to fall to his knees and beg him, all of his worries and concerns and reasons why this was the worst idea falling away to the only remaining truth–he wanted to make this boy happy.

It’s all I want.

“You don’t have to be alone,” Yuri murmured, his fingers twirling the ends of Ryosuke’s hair, then gripped his neck to make sure he wouldn’t be able to move away from him, “You don’t have to suffer, deny yourself, always be alone to be our Ace.”

He wanted to take it back, wanted to say he was sorry when he saw the way the words stabbed Ryosuke, almost as if he could see the wound open and gaping before him, the way it visibly shook him, and he nodded, understanding, and Yuri felt confidence flow through him, because this was true, he knew it–bending his head, to force him to look into his eyes, the words more concrete now, “You don’t have to be alone. I don’t want you to be alone anymore. I’m here.”

Please accept me.

Please need me as much as I need you.

Please.

Ryosuke tipped his head down, his body quivering as he struggled, and Yuri could feel it, he could feel the air between them charged with something new, something born out of all of the time that had led to this, directly into this moment, that they were both creating together, a new feeling, a new expression, and when Ryosuke lifted his head to look into his eyes again, he saw it–the crumbling, the slow fall into submission, into letting Yuri be sure enough for the both of them.

I’ll show you. 

Every single day for all of my life. 

“You think too much,” Yuri whispered, grinning, watching Ryosuke’s shoulders loosen as he spoke the words he needed to hear, “You always think too much–take on all of the responsibility for everything all the time, but now, you can stop, let me help you–I’ll handle this, we’ll sort it, but…don’t run anymore…I’m here.”

Ryosuke’s body shook with a strained laugh, and he wantedto run, he couldn’t pretend it wasn’t there–and he knew he couldn’t hide it–he was fully aware that Yuri could see it, that he wanted to run away like every single time they’d danced around the feelings that had been growing between them, his voice barely audible, “I’m so scared.”

“Don’t be, I love you, and…besides…” Yuri spoke with such confidence, such assurance, Ryosuke tilted his head, “It’s me.”

It was as if those simple words were enough to make Ryosuke quiet the whirlwind in his mind, everything going silent within the former chaos, and he blinked, frozen, the only words that mattered, the only ones that meant anything in this moment floating through his mind.

It’s always been you.

Yuri saw his resistance falter, watched the blossoming hope, recognized the play of emotions as Ryosuke realized, this was real, it was happening, and when Yuri pulled against him, attempting to draw him forward he held still, pushing back against his hand, yet, Yuri wasn’t worried, he wasn’t afraid, because he could see it in Ryosuke’s eyes–the truth.

“I’ve got you,” Yuri whispered, “I’ll take care of you, we’ll take care of each other now,” and this time, when he pulled against him, after a single breath, Ryosuke moved forward willingly, and when their lips met, they were so soft, so tender on his own, his eyes fluttering closed even though he really wanted to keep them open, and Ryosuke groaned, his fingers moving to grab Yuri’s head, pulling him toward him as he opened his mouth, his lips gliding across his own smoothly, everything in the world feeling quiet and peaceful, as the words Ryosuke couldn’t seem to say were made transparent through this kiss.

Yuri couldn’t help but think how absurdly normal this was. 

That it was so stupidly normal, so insanely easy, so utterly natural.  

He always thought that there was some skill involved, some knowing, some need to learn, but it felt so perfectly innate, so perfectly perfect, as if the only purpose of his existence was to be in this very moment with Ryosuke.

Yuri sighed, breathless as Ryosuke took the lead as he’d always known he would, guiding him, and making a complex situation so very simple–and Yuri knew, it was just as it was meant to be, perfection, and it was only that way because it was Ryosuke.

When the kiss deepened, the intimate slow dance drawing them together, everything about the movements lingering and purposeful, the give and take and the way the sensations seemed to captivate all of their senses, spreading like whispers fluttering, light touches brushing across awakened skin, their souls singing in perfect harmony.  As the depth of feeling and emotions layered together, the two of them created the most beautiful moment in time, at the very start of all things they would remember about this day, about the truth of their confession. 

As Yuri felt Ryosuke pressing against him, drawing him closer, into him, sheltering him, felt his heart beating wildly in time with his own, his thoughts became lost in the nearly overwhelming feeling of love that was enveloping him, of the way the air around him felt somehow softer, that all of the concerns he’d ever had were completely lost in that moment–and in the most beautiful of ways, the two of them came to experience their first kiss just as they’d experienced a million other firsts in their lives.

Together.


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