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[1.8] You’re The Monster (November 2014) NSFW
Reading Time: 33 minutes

Yamada Ryosuke & Chinen Yuri


Yamada x Chinen

Ship Name





NSFW, first touches, first experiences, precious boys trying to figure this stuff out together, Yama-chan jealousy is wonderful, I love them, Fluffy, romance, sweet love, first love, discovery, slice of life, domestic




Explicit language, Explicit Sex, MxM Relationship, Erotica

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November 12-15, 2014, Filming Ryosuke's guest appearance as Zekki in Jigoku Sensei Nube & the results of being on set with Yuri) (NSFW)

*this part is gif heavy because I am extra and made gifs to match the story haha Sorry if they cause issues for anyone! <3

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Music Inspiration: Beautiful Soul ~ Jesse McCartney

I know that you are something special
To you, I’d be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you’ll see the heart in me

I don’t want another pretty face
I don’t want just anyone to hold
I don’t want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You’re the one I want to chase
You’re the one I want to hold
I won’t let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
Your beautiful soul, yeah

You might need time to think it over
But I’m just fine moving forward
I’ll ease your mind if you give me the chance
I will never make you cry, c’mon let’s try

Am I crazy for wanting you?
Baby do you think you could want me too?
I don’t want to waste your time
Do you see things the way I do?
I just want to know that you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide


Ryosuke was a little nervous, which was strange because it wasn’t the kind of situation that called for him being nervous. He was an experienced actor, had starred in many shows himself, yet, somehow being on set with Yuri’s show was different.

He’d harassed the living hell out of Yuri to beg the producers to let him make a guest appearance on the show. He was not sure why he was so obsessed with it, though he admittedly loved the series so, sure that was probably part of it. 

Yet, somehow, he knew it was a little more than that.

A little more depth to it.

If he were really honest with himself he’d just admit that it was because it was something Yuri had that was his own. Completely set apart from everything Jump related and even Ryosuke related.

Though it was a fact that Ryosuke wasn’t jealous or intimidated by such things, within his own mind, he’d far prefer that Yuri be the most famous between the two of them–that the world would acknowledge how amazing he really, truly was. Rather, it was more that Ryosuke just wanted to be a little part of something that Yuri had touched.

To see this hidden part of him, the part that he could only imagine existed where he wasn’t ‘Yuri the Idol’ or ‘Yuri the Boyfriend’ or even ‘Yuri the Spoiled’–but instead, a Yuri that maybe Ryosuke hadn’t ever had the opportunity to see before.

He really wanted to see it.

Their time together as a couple was quickly approaching a  year now, and while he found himself amazed every day at the discoveries he was still making about the boy he loved—this felt like something he could only learn through this specific kind of experience.

He wanted to feel that connection, and in this atmosphere, on this set, it felt completely different than anything they would do as Jump members. This was Yuri’s empire, this is where he ruled, and Ryosuke could tell from the moment he’d stepped on set that Yuri was the more famous Jump member here among this cast and crew.

He was clearly beloved among his fellow cast members, and it didn’t take long for Ryosuke to realize how truly admired and looked up to he was. The other members of the cast treated Yuri with respect and spoke to him in a manner that was different than any he’d seen around Johnny’s where he was pretty much the baby among all of the Johnny’s despite there being at least 400 juniors younger than him at any given time.

For his own part, Yuri was poised and somehow seemed clearly confident, a different persona than he would normally see in him on sets of their own shows. Of course, Ryosuke could see the underlying nervousness, the way he felt discomfort when he was put on the spot and such, but still, that was only because he knew him so well–anyone else would just see someone who was more than capable and prepared to give his very best for the show.

It’s amazing.

He’s amazing.

I love him.


Ryosuke had enjoyed watching him, despite knowing that Yuri was somehow keeping him at arm’s length, and though he couldn’t put his finger on what exactly it was, there was a weird atmosphere between the two of them. Truth be told, he’d been a little put out with how he’d been ignoring him.

That said, he thought he understood the unique dynamics that were happening between them until the moment he’d walked into the green room.


Yuri had been filming for a while, so Ryosuke had been sitting in the green room with their senpai Maruyama-san talking about upcoming projects and such when Yuri stepped into the room. Ryosuke’s eyes were drawn to him, curious about the expression he had on his face, watching as he crossed the space between them, pausing for a moment, and then moving to immediately settle himself down in Maruyama-san’s lap.

Ryosuke had a moment where he knew his shock and irritation showed clearly but he worked to quickly school his expression to something seemingly normal, unable to tear his eyes away, and when Maruyama-san glanced over at him, he couldn’t help but wonder about what he saw in his eyes.

Could he know?

Surely not…no one knows.

Don’t be paranoid.

Ryosuke forced his eyes away, gritting his teeth, not liking the way there was a strange gnawing at the pit of his stomach, glancing up when one of the wardrobe ladies called for Yuri who stood up quickly and with a flourish left the room to follow her without even making eye contact with Ryosuke.

In fact, he’d purposefully been sure to turn his entire head away from Ryosuke the entire time he’d been there. All in all he’d managed to completely drive Ryosuke insane for the entire eight hours on set through multiple different ways. He clenched his fists, frustrated at the myriad of feelings flooding through his being.

I’m going to kill him.


They’d made a habit of arriving to their building at different times no matter what, though that was complicated today since Ryosuke had actually went to work with Yuri. After he’d dropped him off a block away so he could walk to the building, Ryosuke headed home, waiting quite impatiently by the door for Yuri to arrive.

When Yuri finally stepped through the door, he yelped as Ryosuke grabbed him, tossing his bag to the side, slamming the door shut and then pressing him back against it as his mouth descending on his in a flurry of passionate, fiery kisses.

Yuri had a fairly good idea what this was, after all he’d spent most of the day teasing Ryosuke on set by paying undue attention to other cast members, by sitting on his senpai’s lap, and by generally all but ignoring him. The truth was, he wasn’t sure how he’d feel about Ryosuke being there–but once he was, he found himself feeling mostly jealous. 

Not of Ryosuke, not at all in the sense of him being a big star on his set or whatever someone might think, rather it was jealousy in regards to their relationship, because of the whispers in the hallways…the giggles from his fellow female cast-mates who were blushing, squealing, and despite trying to pretend otherwise, freaking out at having Ryosuke on set with them. 

I mean, I get it, he’s fine af. 

But still…

Factually speaking, Yuri wanted to drag Ryosuke out into the middle of stage one while everyone was on set and mark his territory–show them all that he was far more than taken, that he was his

I don’t share.

Of course, it was impossible, so instead, he tried to act unaffected by Ryosuke’s presence. This fell into the category of ‘ignore him until I can walk through the complex without wanting to pee on his leg in a alpha show of ownership’. At least, he could have a little fun with it, already knowing that it would make Ryosuke positively insane. 

He knew even as he was being mischievous that it really would drive Ryosuke crazy because he wouldn’t understand what he was feeling. It certainly wasn’t that Ryosuke required an undue amount of attention, not at all, but at the same time, Ryosuke would be confused as to what Yuri was doing, and in fact, he’d been counting on it as part of his own personal entertainment value.

Given this, he had predicted that he’d have some strongly phrased words about it when they’d arrived home, but he couldn’t have expected this kind of response, counting on a verbal beat-down from him, he wasn’t prepared for him to exert dominance over him with his entire body alight with a strange mixture of fury, passion, and desire.

Noted for future reference.

Yama-chan gets super worked up when he’s jealous.

I like it.

Hell, I LOVE IT.

Yuri felt powerful internally at this knowledge, intuitively knowing that Ryosuke had just handed him a very dangerous weapon indeed, marveling when he realized he held a certain kind of control and influence over the situation, besides the fact, he certainly wasn’t going to complain about this response from Ryosuke, ardent as it were–as this was different.

Not like a different person, no, because Ryosuke was just Ryosuke all the time. But, in this moment, he felt a raw power that he somehow seemed to always keep under tabs. A part of him he kept in reserve. It wasn’t even that Yuri didn’t know full well that it was there, he absolutely knew, but he’d not found the key to unlocking it.

He wasn’t entirely sure driving him insane with jealousy was necessarily the rightmethod, but he certainly wasn’t sorry that this was happening, a soft sound of approval escaped his mouth as he moved his arms so he could run his hands up Ryosuke’s back and into his hair as he allowed Ryosuke to work whatever this was out of his system.

Part of him wanted to push him, just push him forward.

Just a little bit.

That’s all it would take.

He knew he could.

He knew he could break Ryosuke.

Have his way with him.

I want it so much.

I could do it.

Still, that was never the picture in his mind, and since he’d waited as patiently as he could for all of his dreams thus far, he figured he shouldn’t just give in this time either. That didn’t change the fact that he could feel the moment quickly approaching.

The moment he hated the most.

The instance when Ryosuke would realize he was getting too lost in the moment–yielding to the fervent passion of their kisses, their touches, and surely, despite Ryosuke wanting to pretend otherwise, Yuri was fully aware of his needs–in fact, most of the time it was impossible to miss it.

Such was the case at the moment, as he felt Ryosuke roll his hips unconsciously, his body all hard and firm as he moved against his own and all Yuri wanted to do was to push him, just a little bit is all it would take, because more than the air around him, all he wanted was to feel Ryosuke’s skin under his fingertips, to explore the soft expanse of his body and the hard planes that teased beneath his clothes, to taste and savor him, every inch of him, to worship him properly, to fully experience all of him–but Ryosuke always, always, infuriatingly always drew back.

Damn his self-control.

Sure enough, before Yuri could further contemplate the situation, Ryosuke’s mouth disengaged from his, leaning his head down onto his shoulder as he gasped for breath, laughing softly.

Yuri couldn’t move anything except his hands under the weight of his body against his, so he ran his fingertips through Ryosuke’s hair, a slow, beautiful sound coming from him as he felt a shudder flow through his body.

God, if he only knew what he does to me.

He pushed forward, pressing his body even more securely against Ryosuke’s, knowing full well that he could feel the effects of his ‘punishment’, wishing more than anything he would acknowledge that he was equally filled with desire, that they could do something about it. Likewise, he wished he weren’t such a damn coward so that he could just speak up and basically ask him why they should both suffer when they could take care of each other just like they did in every other area of their life.

Of course, that was lost on him, as he surely knew those words would never come out of his mouth, because when it really came down to it, he was relying on Ryosuke to help him navigate these more complicated aspects of their relationship.

There was no way that Yuri could possibly know how utterly ill prepared Ryosuke felt about being in charge of such things, generally feeling overwhelmed, uncertain, and terrified of how deeply he was impacted by both the emotions, and the physical need in equal measure.

Ryosuke lifted his head and Yuri smiled when he saw the flames in his eyes, smirking as he spoke with trembling voice, “What’s this about?”

“Don’t even try pretend to not know,” Ryosuke snapped, his fingertips raising to touch Yuri’s cheek, his voice softened, “You’re a monster.”

“Technically,” Yuri laughed with a sigh, liking the way the movement put pressure on the right parts of his body, “You’re the monster.”

“Monster or not, don’t you dare play those games with me tomorrow,” Ryosuke spoke the words but they lacked any venom at all, his eyes wavering, and Yuri saw the string of fragile emotion that thread its way between them, Ryouske somehow needing affirmation, desperate to know that while Yuri had a large group of people at his show he was friendly with–that he still held first place in his heart.

“I won’t,” Yuri whispered, his fingertips running across Ryosuke’s cheek, “Don’t worry.”


The next day Ryosuke reported to set a little later than Yuri—as they had several scenes to film before he would be appearing. He’d already taken care of hair and makeup while Yuri was with a group of other members of the cast filming a scene on the top of the “school building”.

Ryosuke was waiting to be called to set in the green room when Maruyama-san walked in, taking a seat next to him, glancing over at him before handing him a brochure.

Ryosuke glanced down at it, “What’s this?”

“Just an upcoming event that I thought you might be interested in,” Maruyama-san shrugged, his eyes focused on Ryosuke’s for a moment before he glanced away, “At least, I thought of you when I saw it…”

Ryosuke read the top of the flyer, discovering it was a video game expo coming to Tokyo the next month, lifting his eyes to his senpai in confusion.


Before he could say anything in response, Yuri walked into the room, Ryosuke’s eyes snapping to his as he could feel the mischief filled energy from him all the way across the room, not missing his sly grin which caused Ryosuke to laugh, his eyes sparkling when they met, then he moved quickly forward, bending over as he dramatically bowed low to him, which made Ryosuke’s cheeks flame with a furious blush that swept up his body.

You idiot.

He shook his head, dismissing his action completely and then he saw the intent within Yuri’s eyes as one of his eyebrows raised slowly, realizing exactly what he intended as he watched him cross the room. Ryosuke tossed the brochure to the side so he could grab Yuri’s waist when he had instantly settled himself down in his lap, his hand gliding across his back to clutch his neck, pulling him into a crushing hug for a moment before moving it back to hold his shoulder.


Laughter filled the room as Yuri made a big show of it, and Ryosuke couldn’t imagine what the others thought was happening. In truth, Ryosuke couldn’t guess immediately what the purpose of this was, but he knew Yuri well enough to know that he didn’t do much of anything without express reasoning, so he was positive this exact moment had a very clear meaning to him. 

He felt his breath catch, the sentiment wasn’t lost on him–realizing suddenly–understanding that Yuri was doing this as a way to make up for his behavior the day before. Showing Ryouske who he was, making a very public statement–and then…Ryosuke realized the whole of it.

He sat in Maruyama-san’s lap yesterday–just so he could sit on mine today.

He’s showing the truth to everyone, even if they have no earthly idea because he made a point to sit on someone else’s lap first.

He’s a mastermind. 

And a possessive little brat.

I love him.

Ryosuke couldn’t help but smile as his fingers clenched on his waist as he held him, words he wanted to say to him flooding through his mind, purposefully avoiding Maruyama-san’s gaze he felt hot on his face.

“Chinen-san,” one of the stunt coordinators called out for him, “We need to go over the choreography one more time please.”

“Of course,” Yuri nodded, his fingers squeezing Ryosuke’s shoulder before he stood up, glancing back with a smile before he made his way across the room to the staff.

Ryosuke cleared his throat, his eyes shifting over when Maruyama-san spoke softly, “Chinen-kun speaks of you often, he clearly holds you in high regard,” glancing around before he continued, “He seems to know you very well.”

“I—I…” Ryosuke felt the palm of his hands break out into a sweat, his heart thundering in his chest as he tried to decide if this was him being called out or not.

Before he could say anything, Maruyama-san patted his shoulder, laughing lightly, “I’m glad Chinen-kun has as good a friend as you.”

“O-Oh, of course,” Ryosuke felt like he was shaking but he knew he wasn’t, being a skilled actor, he was more than capable of holding his expression and not betraying his internal freak-out. Still, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from his senpai’s own, laughing nervously when he patted his shoulder again and then stood up.

Take care of him,” Maruyama-san spoke firmly as he glanced down at Ryosuke.

Ryosuke couldn’t speak, certain that somehow, he wasn’t talking about them being mere friends at all, just nodding firmly as he pressed his lips together, a plethora of words passing between the two in their silence.

“Good,” Maruyama-san nodded, smiled broadly, walking across the room to the assistant director who had called him.


Ryosuke had made sure to say exactly his thoughts about Yuri in as plain of words as he could without rousing suspicion when he was leaving the main set, and Yuri gave as good as he got when he was leaving the set. He was so thankful for the opportunity to experience working with him, and to learn more about him through the process.

He’d still filmed the next day in full makeup for Zekki, but it was a closed set and only the handful of actors who had to be there to film with him would be attending. Yuri would be working with the stunt coordinator at another stage for the next episode they were filming, so they’d left in the morning going separate directions.

Ryosuke arrived home late, exhausted, hearing that Yuri was in the shower, he changed into his pajama pants and then went to get a quick snack before bed. After eating a bit of fruit, a horrible dinner he knew, he’d shuffled down the hallway to the bedroom, tired and ready to sleep. They had filmed for nearly ten hours, not something unique to him, as he was fairly used to long days, but he surely wasn’t conditioned to do those kind of long hours in the heavy layers of makeup and prosthetics they’d put on him. 

That said, being a total nerd for the manga he couldn’t wait to see the end result.

He yawned as he approached the bed, tilting his head to listen for the shower and realizing Yuri must have finished up, his eyes closing as stretched lightly. When the door to the bathroom brushed open, however, his eyes widened, suddenly fully awake when Yuri walked out of the bathroom looking like a model.

A really hot model.

Having finished his shower, towel wrapped around his waist, another one draping across the top of his face as he scrubbed his hair to dry it. There was a part of Ryosuke that wanted to rush out of the room, get away from him, as he’d been purposefully avoiding for months any kinds of situations that might allude to desire or other feelings that he wasn’t sure either of them were ready to approach.

It was a strange situation, of course, given the fact that they were living together, but then…when did they ever do anything simply or normally?

Despite being together every day, while they’d spent an extraordinary amount of time holding hands, cuddling, and he could certainly get lost in Yuri’s kisses for hours–they hadn’t moved beyond that, and Ryosuke wasn’t at all sure how to even bring up a conversation about it.

It wasn’t the kind of question you could ask other people either–while he’d went to his Mom and sisters about advice in the past on how to handle his feelings for Yuri–this kind of question seemed like something that would not only be uncomfortable, but completely mortifying. He didn’t have any friends to ask, as they were, naturally, taking great care to ensure that nothing at all could ever be seen as anything other than friendship at this point in public because neither of them were prepared for the undoubted fallout.

Though he had meant to ask Yuri about Maruyama-san and what he seemed to imply when they’d spoken on set, he knew that no one really suspected anything, not even the Jump members who didn’t already know.

Even with Yuto, who he did have the freedom to talk to about their relationship, he couldn’t imagine asking him a question about this particular subject. Honestly, it wasn’t because he didn’t think Yuto would give him good advice, because he was positive he would, but Yuto was already too involved and the simple truth was Ryosuke didn’t think he could put up with his jokes about this particular subject. He’d skated around asking about what their relationship was like and Ryosuke had been quick to redirect him to safer topics.

He was confused, and he didn’t know what to do at this point, but before he could make up his mind about whether to leave to give him privacy to get dressed for bed or not he startled when Yuri touched his arm, jumping, blinking rapidly, tilting his head when Yuri laughed, “I called your name twice…”

“Oh,” Ryosuke shook his head, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking…”

“Must have been a pretty important subject for you to be so far gone,”  Yuri responded, leaning up to kiss him softly, his fingertips touching Ryosuke’s cheek, “Wanna talk about it?”

“Ah,” Ryosuke certainly wanted to talk about it–he really did, but he just didn’t know how to talk about it…how to discuss it, what words to use, this was all new territory and he was at a complete loss, wishing there was an instruction book, or some kind of flowchart that would guide him through these experiences.

“It’s okay,” Yuri shrugged, running the towel through his hair again, “You can talk when you’re ready.”

Ryosuke raised an eyebrow at that, knowing full well it wasn’t in Yuri’s nature to just let something go like that, but then he saw it, the way his brows drew down when he shifted his arm again to move the towel, “What happened to you?”

“Eh?” Yuri froze, “What do you mean?”

“You’re in pain,” Ryosuke snapped, “When did you get hurt?”

“I’m not in pa–”

Ryosuke made the sharp growling noise Yuri knew all too well that indicated he knew better and that clearly Yuri was downplaying whatever was wrong as he moved forward, grabbing the towel out of his hand, tossing it across the room to the clothes hamper, and then moved behind him, drawing Yuri’s arm out, carefully pacing him through the motions he’d just watched, a knowing hum issued as observed his body flinching, his breath caught, “There, what’s wrong with your shoulder?”

“I just over worked it today during the rehearsals for next week’s stunt scenes,” Yuri twisted to look at Ryosuke, smiling, “I do it all the time, you just don’t usually see the after effects.”

Ryosuke frowned, not liking it, not one bit, “You need to be more careful–do you need to go to see a doctor?”

“No!” Yuri laughed, turning around to face Ryosuke, his arm crossing his chest to rub his shoulder, “I’ll be fine, just need to rest it, nothing special about it. I won’t push it for a few days and it will be fine.”

Ryosuke stared at him, squashing down the feeling that was rising that he needed to take him immediately to the emergency room–knowing it was stupid, because he was fine, “…still.”

Yuri sighed, stepping forward to touch his nose to Ryosuke’s, “It’s cute how you worry, I’d tell you the truth if there was something to be concerned about–unlike you, I’m hardly the type to suffer in silence, after all–but right now, there’s not. I’m perfectly fine, I’ll schedule a massage with the therapist’s tomorrow and that will get me through the worst of it.”

“I can do it.”

Yuri blinked, “Do what?”

“Massage your shoulder,” Ryosuke shrugged, “I mean, I don’t mind?”

Before Yuri could say anything, Ryosuke had grabbed his hips, shuffling him over to the bench at the foot of their bed, shoving it away from the bed a bit and then pointing to it, “Sit.”

Yuri smiled, not minding the attention, twisting to watch as Ryosuke went into the bathroom, curious as he heard drawers opening and closing, “What are you doing?”

“Looking for that ointment they gave me for my back,” Ryosuke called out from the other room, then appeared in the doorway, frowning, “I can’t find it though…”

“It’s fine,” Yuri shrugged, “I really meant that you don’t have to worry about th—”

“Whatever,” Ryosuke cut him off, huffing as he moved across the space, pushing at Yuri to turn around. Yuri twisted on the bench, lifting his leg to straddle it, he sighed softly when Ryosuke’s fingertips pressed into his shoulder, because it felt so good to feel his touch.

He always relished any attention that Ryosuke gave him, but since they’d begun their official relationship, there was hardly anything that matched when Ryosuke touched him. Despite having been touched by him a million times, everything was different when it was enveloped inside the aura of love.

Not just touch…everything is different.

The whole world.

When his fingers rolled carefully across the tense muscle that had been causing him pain, adding his other hand, his fingers firm as he worked the taut muscle, something between a sigh and a groan escaped, his eyes fluttering closed at how good it felt.

The moment Ryosuke’s fingers touched Yuri’s skin he realized he’d made a terrible decision–because the sigh from Yuri instantly awakened him, startled him, as he realized that he was touching Yuri when he had nothing but a towel around his waist, in their bedroom.

Then…when he’d pressed onward, the sound that Yuri made sent trills of sensations across every square inch of his body.

Clearly, we really, really need to talk.

Just get through this, and then maybe we can talk before we fall asleep.

Come up with a game plan and make sure we’re both on the same page.

He took a shuddering breath, a shaking gasp and he forced his fingers to move, trying to seem normal, drawing his bottom lip between his teeth, as he slowly worked, pinching the area along where Yuri’s neck joined his shoulders, his eyes focused on the way his muscles stretched when he slowly tilted his head down, sighing softly, apparently not having noticed the war he’d ignited within Ryosuke.


Ryosuke moved his hands gently, working through the muscles along his shoulders to his upper arms, his eyes fixated on Yuri in front of him, on how his shoulders seemed to move down, ever so slightly as he relaxed into his touch. How the tension he always seemed to carry in his neck, in his upper back seemed to be shed as his fingers moved to rub slow circles against the muscles there on his shoulders, gliding downward to his shoulder blades.

He felt a shudder roll through his body, feeling weak, closing his eyes to try to block out the sight, the sensations running from his fingers, spreading through his whole being like a spark of electricity–all of the methods he’d used to keep himself from being too forward, too direct, from scaring or overwhelming Yuri with his desire–seeming to fail him, the connection between them feeling like something tangible in the room to Ryosuke.

For his own part, Yuri had found himself mesmerized under the attention of Ryosuke’s hands, seemingly melting to his very touch. All of his cares felt to him to be falling away as Ryosuke’s fingers worked through the stiff, tired muscles and knots, most of which had plagued him for months, if not years. He wasn’t sure he’d ever felt so much calm, such peace, and as a matter of absolute fact–love.

It was easy to get lost inside his mind, to think, this is who I am now, someone who can be taken care of…someone who can allow himself to be taken care of by Ryosuke.

He’d spent so many years putting up such vast arrangements of barricades and walls to protect himself from the pain which was sure to follow allowing himself to imagine, to dream of Ryosuke feeling the same for him. Too many, so many moments that he’d rewritten his own emotions, responses, and feelings so that now, it still didn’t come naturally to him, was still so hard for him to accept–to take Ryosuke’s touch as affection and not fan service, or worse just the mere touch of a friend–even when they were alone.

They were moving slowly into this relationship in terms of affection, and sometimes Yuri wondered if it was him or Ryosuke who was the most scared of moving forward with the more physical aspects of their relationship. It seemed to him at least that Ryosuke was completely hands off–not something he was exactly expecting all things considered–as before they declared their feelings for one another it as nearly impossible to keep his hands off of him. Now, all of Ryosuke’s touches seemed tempered, as if they were carefully weighed and measured for impact, that he didn’t initiate contact without a great deal of thought.

He would still brush by him, touch him lightly, anytime he was near, Ryosuke would be touching him somehow–in ways that Yuri was positive were subconscious–a necessary part of being near Yuri.

That hadn’t changed, not for either of them.

In retrospect, Yuri saw it for what it was, of course, now he understood it for the same ever present, all-consuming need that demanded that there be some contact with the other. He’d certainly made up excuse after excuse for his inability to be within twenty feet of Ryosuke and the fact that he would invariably end up beside him, small touches, a brush or a stroke on the arm, a shove with a hip, or even leaning over him, boldly hugging him and holding him, daring the world to tell him no.

They’d never dare.

In fact, at this point, he wasn’t sure how he’d managed to maintain the distance he did. Now that he had the freedom to touch him, to hold his hand, to run his fingers through his hair, to hug him when he wanted to…now that he was given these freedoms, he couldn’t imagine how he’d ever been able to survive not having them, for even a moment. Despite the level of restraint he’d held up to this point, the idea that he had the freedom to be affectionate wasn’t lost on him.

Ryosuke felt Yuri take a deep breath, his posture relaxing further, and he wished he could feel such peace. Instead, it felt to him like the room’s temperature had raised by twenty degrees, and a sheen of sweat was dotting his forehead, his bottom lip still firmly caught between his teeth, as his eyes feasted on Yuri’s body set before him. Part of him felt badly, because it was clear to him that Yuri certainly wasn’t thinking in terms of seduction or being seduced, let alone of how Ryosuke might be trying to memorize every single ripple and tense of each muscle of his body as he breathed, as he shifted in minute, tiny ways.

He’d seen Yuri hundreds of times in this state of dress, he’d even caught flashes and glimpses of  him completely naked after showers, visiting saunas, and hot springs–but he never really paid much attention. Still, as he looked at him now, he saw him, really saw him, and to him it felt like it might be the very first time.

He didn’t realize that his motions had changed, his mind moving in a new pattern, his eyes wide and unfocused as his hands explored his skin, back massage forgotten, rather, his fingers glided gently across his skin, watching as the surface pebbled in response, drinking in the soft, smooth feeling under his fingertips, the way the muscles moved and responded to his touch, and when Yuri’s breath released in an airy gasp, Ryosuke froze, his breath caught in his chest, his heart beating wildly.

His breath hitched as he inhaled sharply, his fingertips gliding across his shoulders, pressing into the skin of Yuri’s arms as he leaned forward, grazing his nose across his shoulder, turning his head, his eyes fluttering closed as he inhaled the rich, soothing scent that was uniquely Yuri. He moved his fingertips softly on his arms as he placed a tender kiss on the smooth skin of his neck where it met his shoulder, smiling when he felt Yuri’s body shiver under his delicate touch.

Feeling bold, daring even, somehow allowing himself the freedom to get carried away, just a little bit by the moment, Ryosuke slowly kissed along his shoulder, and then back again, his mouth opening to taste the skin below his ear, his tongue darting out causing Yuri to tilt his head in response, a clear invitation, a low, soft groan coming from Yuri as the sensation rushed across his skin, his body, when Ryosuke gently sucked on his ear lobe.

Ryosuke froze, his hands resting on Yuri’s shoulders, his mouth closed around the curve of his ear, his mind racing as a shiver ran up his spine from the way the noise he’d made played on every single nerve ending. He tried to breathe, tried to force his hands to move, slowly drawing back, kissing his shoulder lightly, trying to think…but all he could manage to acknowledge at that moment was how utterly, completely and without any other competition in the universe that could compare, how unequivocally exquisite that sound was coming from Yuri.

Coming from Yuri because of my touch.

“Don’t stop,” Yuri’s voice was a whisper as he breathed out softly, “Please.”

Ryosuke’s hands shook as he began to move them again, his breath accelerated in his mixed feelings of both excitement and fear, the alarms in his mind screaming that this was too soontoo much, that he’d promised he wasn’t going to rush these things because he didn’t want to speed them through the early stages of being a couple after so many years of waiting. He’d do anything to ensure that Yuri would never think all he cared about was demand from an entirely too eager passion…he wanted him to know he loved him, truly, and that what they had wasn’t hinged merely on some physical attraction, some physical need–rather, that what they had was based on what eons of lovers had discovered through the ages, what the saints and poets had spoken of, what bards and minstrels had written songs about–love.

He jumped when Yuri twisted, having been lost in his thoughts, shocked when Yuri grabbed one of his hands and pulled it forward under his arm, making Ryosuke lean toward him, his teeth feeling like they were going to bite through his lip, blinking rapidly when Yuri spoke his voice trembling, “Just…ple-please don’t stop…t-touch me, I-I need to know.”

Yuri wasn’t sure when he’d started to consider Ryosuke’s lack of physical affection to be a sign that maybe he didn’t feel as strongly about him as he felt in return–but in this moment, he realized that it was the absolute truth–he was afraid that their feelings weren’t the same somehow.

It was terrifying, and he knew he should discuss it with Ryosuke, but he didn’t want to, he didn’t want to be like that, the insecure one.

Rather, what he really wanted, nay, needed to know was that Ryosuke felt the same constant demand, the same pull toward him that he felt…the desperate need that seemed impossible to be calmed, yet, something he’d managed to subdue, to keep under his control, but there in the way that Ryosuke’s hands were touching him, the way his fingers felt on his skin, he realized that he just really, truly needed it.

I need to know.

He needed his touch, his affection, he needed him to show him how he felt, what he meant to him, and more than anything he wanted to know that Ryosuke needed it too.

He pulled Ryosuke’s hand up, kissing it softly and then he pressed it down onto his chest directly over his heart, looking at the balled up fist resting there and laughing lightly, terrified, in equal parts that maybe this wasn’t something that Ryosuke would want, and alternately, that he did want it and now he’d pushed him forward, downplaying both fears, he spoke softly, laughing nervously, “Relax Ryosuke, I’m not asking you to do anything you don’t w-want to.”

“I–I want to,” Ryosuke’s response burst out instantly, sharp in absolution, and he moved forward, scootching along the bench, keeping a bit of distance between the two of them, not willing to let Yuri know the condition he was really in, glad that he was facing away, glad he had a bit of privacy as it were to process this, process what was happening, he slowly opened his fist, his head tilting forward to rest his forehead on Yuri’s shoulder as he held his hand flat on his chest, feeling his heart beat racing under his touch, the thrumming movement causing his hand to move with each thump.

He held his hand there, taking a deep breath, his eyes popping open to look down at his knee where Yuri’s hand was now resting, his head tipping back until it rest on Ryosuke’s shoulder. Ryosuke shifted his head up, his lips pressing a tender kiss to his shoulder, his hand moving slowly, timidly exploring Yuri’s chest, softly, gently, listening to his breathing next to his ear to tell him what he liked and what he didn’t like, and when Yuri pressed back, his shoulders shifting and his other hand moved up and behind Ryosuke’s head, holding him there, his fingers twisting into his hair, Ryosuke opened his eyes, his mouth opening as he attempted to find the words to express his emotions, yet, the words were failing him, his eyes fixated on the movement of his hand, the way Yuri’s chest rose and fell as he explored, touching, feeling–learning.

Yuri’s eyes were closed, his lips relaxed as he tried to breathe, tried to stay calm, because Ryosuke had no doubt touched him a million times over their life together, but nothing had ever felt like this.


He felt each touch like it was intensified by a million bolts of lightning, rushing across his skin, through his body like wildfire, a slow groan forming low in his throat, not able to stay silent with the way his hand was touching him. When he heard Ryosuke gasp in response, he ran his fingers softly on his knee, and then drew his hand up to touch Ryosuke’s arm.

Ryosuke’s eyes popped open wide when Yuri’s fingers began moving softly against his own, whispering against his skin, like he was trying to express his appreciation, and then he gripped his wrist, slowly pressing his arm downward. 

The moment Ryosuke realized what he was trying to do, what he was intending, he tried to stop him, utterly terrified, attempting to pull his arm away, but Yuri’s hand held him firm, his head jerking to the side, his eyes wide as he stared at him.

His breath shuddered in soft bursts as it hit Ryosuke’s face, their souls feeling intimately connected, and Ryosuke felt his own body shudder in response to the sheer desperation he saw revealed within Yuri’s eyes, the word intense and heavy in the small space between them, “Please.

Yuri hated that he was begging, but to him it felt as if he was going to die if Ryosuke didn’t touch him, if he didn’t help him, if he didn’t want this as much as he wanted it–because he’d been plagued with it, and maybe this wasn’t exactly what he’d dreamed of for all of those years…the idea of passion abandoned and wild hands and bodies–instead, finding on a quiet night when they were both tired, a simple soft, quiet whisper, where it felt like nothing in the world mattered beyond the distance of the breath between them.

Ryosuke froze, his eyes piercing as they studied Yuri, and when he realized, when he saw the truth held within Yuri’s, he felt frustration flood through his system.

All this time I was going slow, thinking I was protecting him…but all I’ve done is given him ample room to think I don’t feel the same way he does.

Yuri felt nervousness course through his system when he saw the moment Ryosuke understood the reality, something he knew he would immediately know if he was brave enough to be honest about it—after all, no one knew Yuri better than Ryosuke…and while he’d done his best to hide these feelings, he knew now, that he shouldn’t have, didn’t need to, never needed to, because he knew beyond all doubt that the only person who could assuage them was Ryosuke.

Ryosuke’s eyes softened, his expression gentled with tenderness as the words whispered, “Oh, ReeI’m sorry…so sorry,” he shook his head lightly, then slowly closed the distance between them, his lips fluttering against Yuri’s, “I love you.

Yuri’s response was lost to a moan when Ryosuke’s lips pressed into his, earnest and purposeful, drawing back moment by moment between fluttering kisses to whisper words aloud which had become suddenly so abundantly clear to Ryosuke that he was frustrated with himself that he hadn’t even noticed, how surely it was that Yuri needed to hear them with every fiber of his being–

I adore you.

I cherish you.

I love you.

I want you.

You’re all I need.

All I’ve ever wanted.

All I’ll ever want.

All I’ll ever need.

Ryosuke spoke into existence the very words that Yuri had longed to hear, issued into the ether around them, yet speaking directly to his very heart and soul, the confirmation of what he most desperately wanted to believe was true seemed to hit his skin and flow through his body as they were spoken, causing Yuri to draw Ryosuke toward him into another kiss.

Yuri felt his body tremble when Ryosuke’s hand flattened on his abdomen, laying his shaking hand over top of Ryosuke’s as he pressed against him, drawing his body back on the bench, pulling him toward him, and when his hips shifted, Yuri felt the evidence of Ryosuke’s desire against him, relief flooding through him as he realized how completely stupid he was, how absolutely crazy he had been to ever imagine a world where Ryosuke didn’t need or want him as much as he did.

He groaned, his fingers tangling in his hair, pulling Ryosuke into him, the kiss taking on a new element of passion and need as the understanding filled him with such desire that he had never imagined could exist.

Ryosuke’s fingers traced the edge of the towel, feeling Yuri’s stomach draw in as he inhaled sharply at the sensation, undone by the noise Yuri made, he quickly yanked on the towel to open it, his fingertips touching the satin smooth skin softly, his eyes opening when Yuri’s mouth stopped moving, finding Yuri’s eyes meeting his own, his breath labored, his bottom lip drawing between his teeth, and Ryosuke could not pretend to be unaffected, couldn’t act like he was immune to this–rather, Ryosuke understood, his hips pressing forward without his permission as his own body was aching with need, without another thought, he knew all he wanted to do was to make Yuri feel good, to make him feel his love, understand how much he loved him.

His mouth moved gently, drawing Yuri’s lip out from between his teeth, his touch delicate as he tasted, teased–and then, as his hand explored him, stroking him lightly, unable to suppress his own groan into the kiss along with Yuri as he felt him harden impossibly further underneath his touch. Yuri broke the kiss, a low groan as he leaned his head against Ryosuke’s shoulder, his eyes closing as he relished in the sensations, tingling shivers, the intensity of the pleasure spiraling across all of his senses, and in all of his life he couldn’t have imagined, couldn’t have dreamed of what it would feel like to have him touch his body in such an intimate, sacred way.

To expose himself, become completely vulnerable, reveal himself so fully to Ryosuke, and how bound up by so many emotions the moment was–how the emotional content of the moment was so deeply profound, everything about the experience heightened by the absolution of his love.

Ryosuke kissed Yuri’s cheek tenderly as he took in his closed eyes, his mouth slightly opened as he groaned softly, tilting his head down to watch his hand as he experimented–while at first tentative and uncertain, as Yuri responded to his touch, his caresses became slow, with purpose, exploring him, testing, lingering, drawing out the sensations, becoming a student of Yuri’s body.

Ryosuke’s breath was ragged against Yuri’s shoulder as he took in the exquisite beauty before him, of the way his chest rose and fell, the muscles of his abdomen clenching and flexing, the way his legs were trembling, and the intimate parts of him hidden to him before now…more enticing than he could have imagined, not that he’d specifically given much thought to it, rather, perhaps it was only because it was Yuri that he found beauty there.

Yuri’s head rolled on his shoulder, his breath labored, Ryosuke drew his free hand up to his neck, holding him against him, relishing the way the warm air rushed against his cheek as he gasped, the heady emotion of providing this kind of pleasure to Yuri, of being the one to cause him to respond like this, to make these sounds, to writhe against him like this–it was like a blanket over all of his senses, and he shifted forward slightly, pressing against Yuri’s form, desperate for some relief to the ache he was now nearly overwhelmed by–the intensity growing every moment from the evocative display before him, around him.

“Ry-Ryosuke,” the name was a whisper, a plea, and he understood, his eyes connecting to Yuri’s half open ones, as he sped up his motions, torn between wanting to watch his actions, and wanting to watch Yuri’s reaction to them.

He didn’t have time to make a choice, as he felt Yuri’s body suddenly shuddering against him, his entire being seeming to expand and then contract, and then Ryosuke felt it, the way his body seemed to still completely, his breath coming out in a series of gasps, his expression a work of art, a beautiful display of pleasure, as the warmth of the first wave of his release spilled onto his hand followed by his entire body trembling against him–he continued to stroke him, easing him through, drawing out every possible pleasure, his eyes fluttering closed when Yuri’s mouth was suddenly on his, his lips insistent, his fingers pulling hard at his hair.

Yuri’s breath was ragged, yet, his body seemed to melt into Ryosuke as he drew his fingers through his hair, tugging on the ends, and his words were so soft if Ryosuke hadn’t been so close to him, he might not have heard them, “I love you.”

“I love you so much, Ree,” Ryosuke whispered, kissing his neck and then his cheek, pulling back, blinking rapidly in confusion when Yuri was suddenly in motion, brushing Ryosuke’s hand away, shifting quickly on the bench to face him, his entire being overwhelmed by the intensity of the love he felt, of the wholeness he felt in this moment, his lips frantic as he tried to impress upon Ryosuke how important he was, how much love he felt for him, how desperately he needs him, wants him, this day, but yet, every day the same, maybe more as it grows.

He didn’t wait for permission, didn’t feel the need to check to see if what he wanted was okay, he just moved as he was drawn to do, his mouth moving on his as his hand slipped quickly into Ryosuke’s pajama pants, wrapping his fingers around his hard length, groaning at the way it felt in his hand, the idea that he was actually touching his body, finally, in this deeply intimate way, in a way no one else ever had–that Ryosuke was his and he was allowed to offer such a truly reverent act flooding through his entire soul.

Ryosuke gasped, breaking the kiss with a curse, his entire frame trembling as he tilted his head back, giving Yuri room to move, and Yuri smiled as he bent his head, his mouth dancing delicately in a path across his cheek and down his neck, sucking lightly on the skin on his shoulder.

“Yu-Yuri,” Ryosuke panted, not knowing what he wanted to say, not knowing what he was supposed to say in light of how his entire body felt stretched and taut like a wire drawn too tightly across an instrument, pleasure somehow filtered through every note, but a tension underneath that made him afraid, made him worried.

Yuri pressed kisses on his skin as he made his way back up his neck, drawing to his ear, whispering softly, “You’re fine, Ryosuke, It’s okay, relax…I’ve got you…let go.”

Ryosuke groaned, somehow, those words spoke to the parts of him that were held in reserve–the fearful parts that he’d kept long hidden, and as the words rushed through his being, his fingers twined through Yuri’s hair. He clutched him to his chest, his breath caught as he inhaled sharply when he realized how quickly he was approaching his release, for a moment it flashed through his mind–maybe he should be embarrassed, or maybe he should stop him–but as quickly as those words formed in his mind, he bit his lip, trying to stop the flood of words warring to be given flight–instead, he resigned himself to a string of unintelligible sounds filling the air when Yuri’s hand reached the top and twisted, moving quickly back down and he was undone instantly.

He jerked his hands away from Yuri, afraid he’d be too rough, hurt him, leaning back, his hands grasping the bench behind him as his body bowed back, eyes clenched shut, the world turning white as the first spasm of his release washed across his body.

Yuri watched, enraptured by the indescribable beauty of the scene before him, his only regret that he didn’t take the time to get Ryosuke undressed before they did this, his view blocked partly by his pajama pants. Even so, his eyes were only focused there for a moment before they were drawn to Ryosuke’s face, unbelievably gorgeous in the delicate tension of pleasure, as he made noises that Yuri wished he could record because while he’d heard Ryosuke sing in a way that made the audience weep, nothing was more moving and breathtaking than the sounds he was making under his touch.

He realized Ryosuke was nearly there, so he did what he liked, not surprised when he gasped, his body stretching further, no longer able to control himself, his mouth opening as he groaned before a string of words flew out, captivating and perfect, his name laced with words he seldom heard come from Ryosuke’s mouth, but he discovered he rather enjoyed.

Yuri tried to commit the moment to memory, his name falling from Ryosuke’s lips in the throes of passion, not the idol, not the worrisome personality that thought he had to control everything, not any of the myriad of characters he played, rather, just Ryosuke, my Ryosuke, falling apart right in front of him–and as far as Yuri was concerned the most important part of that was the simple fact that others might not have noticed, or even cared about.

He knows I’m the one doing this to him.

That’s all that mattered in that moment, and as he continued to stroke him through his release, he bent forward, his mouth landing on Ryosuke’s chest, his lips tender as he placed a kiss above his heart, wanting to brand him, leave him marked, but knowing that it would be unwise–settling for moving up his neck, and when Ryosuke lifted his head, his eyes glassy, his cheeks flushed, his mouth twisted into a cheeky grin Yuri was certain he’d never seen before, yet he’d never forget, he struggled to find words, to say something that would fit this moment in time.

Ryosuke took the need away, when his lips met his own, all of the words of the ages spoken between them in a single kiss.

Ryosuke had cleaned up and changed, walking back into the bedroom suffused with the warm glow of happiness and peace from their connection, feeling like he was able to take a deep breath for the first time after holding it for so long. As he approached the bed, he discovered Yuri already curled up in a ball under the blankets, his hands folded under his cheek, looking perfectly contented, and positively angelic in his sleep.

He shuffled over, trying to be quiet as he drew the covers back, attempting to carefully get into the bed without waking him, thinking he was the cutest damn thing he’d seen in his whole life.

“Can we do that again?” Yuri’s voice was small beside him, and Ryosuke jumped then froze, his head slowly turning to look at him, “I thought you were asleep!”

“I’m not,” Yuri stated flatly, raising his eyebrows in impatience, “Can we do that again?”

“What…now?” Ryosuke voice went up an octave as he shifted, laying down in the bed to face him.

Yuri’s hand moved to brush Ryosuke’s hair from his face, “No, idiot, not now…just…that wasn’t like…a one-time thing, right?”

Ryosuke felt heat rise to his cheeks at how forward Yuri was in the conversation but then he chastised himself because after all, they were going to have to have these conversations, weren’t they?

“If you want to,” Ryosuke answered hesitantly, worried, because he still really didn’t want him to get the wrong idea.

Yuri sat up instantly, his brows drawn down as he frowned, looking back at Ryosuke, “You don’t want to?”

Ryosuke sighed, exasperated, suddenly sitting up, his arm grabbing Yuri’s shoulder to drag him backward to lay on him, “I didn’t say that!”

“You might as well have,” Yuri spoke plainly, rejection and disappointment clear in his tone.

“It’s not that, Ree…I just…”

Yuri shifted, throwing his leg across Ryosuke’s legs, lifting up to look at Ryosuke who immediately closed his eyes, trying to hide himself away, which Yuri wasn’t about to accept, “Stop that! Tell me what you mean!”

“I don’t want you think it’s all I care about…” Ryosuke whispered softly, the words fading quickly as his confidence fell.

Yuri laughed, shaking his head, “What in the world are you talking about?”

Ryosuke’s eyes opened, looking at Yuri, his expression filled with sincerity, and Yuri realized that he was very serious about this, whatever it was, so he nodded slowly for Ryosuke to continue.

Ryosuke took a deep breath, “I-I’ve…I’ve been worried about it for a while…a little while…I don’t….I mean, it wouldn’t be good if you thought…all I cared about was that…you know?”

“Why would I think that?” Yuri really didn’t understand, drawing his hand up to stroke Ryosuke’s cheek, trying to encourage him to explain this to him.

“I…It’s just that….I am…” Ryosuke groaned, his hand drawing up to pinch the bridge of his nose while the other held Yuri close, “This is hard…”

It’s not, you’re just making it hard, like most things,” Yuri dismissed him fully, not meaning to belittle his concerns, but sincerely finding Ryosuke’s thought process in this matter absolutely ridiculous, “Ryo, listen, I’m not stupid, I know that you love me for more than a hand-job after eleven freaking months of being together as a couple, I mean, really? C’mon…it’s nearly been a year! I think you broke some kind of record for celibacy while living with your boyfriend or something–it’s like you could look into a Guinness world record for bei–”

Ryosuke’s eyes opened, shoving him gently, then he laughed softly, his cheeks pink with embarrassment, “Okay! Okay! Sheesh, I get it, I get it, I guess so…I’m stupid…sorry.”

“You’re not stupid,” Yuri leaned up to kiss him quickly, grinning as he lifted up more to be sure he could see his eyes, “I don’t think you’re stupid–it’s just that you’re conscientious, that’s all, you want to be clear with me and I love that about you–but Ryosuke…”

Yuri took a deep breath, “I need to know some things, including these kinds of things, and I can’t handle you trying to figure everything out by yourself…we’re in this together, aren’t we?”

“We are,” Ryosuke confirmed, his arms wrapping around Yuri to hold him tightly against him.

“Then…” Yuri shuffled even closer, his nose touching Ryosuke’s as he leaned over him, his lips twisting into a lopsided grin before he spoke, “…answer the damn question.

Ryosuke laughed, his love for this boy fluttering within his heart, his fingers drawing through Yuri’s hair, his voice soft on his skin, “Yes,” Ryosuke lifted his head, kissing Yuri, his lips gentled, gliding softly against him, then drawing back to look at him, smiling cheekily, his words a clear promise, “We’ll definitely do it again.”

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